everybody’s changing: an anthem for transformation and triathlons.

now playing: the triumphant piano intro

Since I’m writing a project that’s set in the early 2000s, I’ve been revisiting media from the decade, which means listening to a lot of the era’s music. One of my most listened artists is Keane, and “Everybody’s Changing” has been a track that’s constantly on repeat.

I found this song from the sitcom Scrubs, where it appears on S5E3 “My Day at the Races”. The episode takes place on J.D.’s 30th birthday, when he realizes he hasn’t accomplished anything on his “list of things to do before 30”: including goals like inventing a cereal, learning a new language, and running a triathlon. In comparison to his best friend Turk who has already gone through his list—and with less than 24 hours before officially turning 30—J.D. is running out of time. So with the goal to check off at least one accomplishment, J.D. joins a triathlon.

Keane once wrote that “Everybody’s Changing” is about navigating the changes in your twenties. As a song that explores the themes of change and challenge, it’s an accurately fitting choice for this episode.

Then, as all of my life changes seemingly came at once—losing my job, moving out, ending relationships—it became accurately fitting for this new chapter of my life.

wandering my own land

"You say you wander your own land, but when I think about it I don't see how you can"

I've always been an independent person. Maybe that’s the result of being an only child, maybe the result of constantly uprooting my life when I was growing up, or maybe it’s a mix of both. But either way, I find it most comfortable to fight my battles alone.

Over the past year, I faced many difficulties that seemed to bombard me at once—but even so, I was mostly handling them alone. Got laid off from my job? I'll survive financially as long as I can collect unemployment. Moving out without a new place lined up? Not ideal, but I couldn’t possibly impose on someone else’s couch, I’ll figure it out somehow. Struggling with mental health because of the burdens I'm carrying? As long as my insurance can afford therapy, I don't have to bother my loved ones. 

I'll be fine. A phrase ingrained in my vernacular over the past year, but one that I rarely meant. 

I was barely keeping my head above water, but as long as I could manage to stay afloat—as long as I could hold onto a buoy every now and then—I could swim to the shore myself. 

Unexpectedly, the buoys began to sink, and it became harder to weather the storm on my own. The universe works in funny ways. I refused to depend on others for so long, but when I was in a position where I had no choice but to rely on others—I’d like to believe that was the universe’s way of telling me to stop weathering the storm alone.

making a move to stay in the game

"So little time

Try to understand that I 

Try to make a move just to stay in the game 

I try to stay awake and remember my name"

Self-comparison is a consistent and never-ending struggle—we are only human, after all. That sense of comparison is doubly amplified when you’re 1) unemployed and 2) in the publishing industry.

And right now, I am both.

A few months after starting my sub journey, I was laid off a day before my 28th birthday. When you face a hardship this drastic before beginning a new year of life, that’s likely a sign that a very, very challenging chapter is up ahead.

Job-seekers and writers share very similar challenges. You’re constantly applying yourself, getting hung up on dream jobs/agents/editors, and facing an avalanche of rejections. Worst of all, both put you in positions to evaluate your own journey and compare it to others. And when it feels like you’re fighting to move a step forward, it’s only natural to envy those who are more successful—those who have high-paying jobs or unicorn book deals, and also those who are lucky enough to make it past the finish line you can’t seem to find.

Comparison is the thief of joy, I know that. But how do you stop it from robbing you?

Ageing, as well as the idea of where you’re “supposed” to be in life, are also contributing factors to these negative feelings.

In your twenties, the rest of your life feels far away. Even though you may feel lost in this era, at least you have time to figure things out. After all, in that stage of your life, you’re still young.

But once you near your thirties, that window for “figuring things out” seemingly starts to close. Now it feels like you're running out of time to get your life together—and when you're starting from the bottom again, the pressure is even higher.

I'm almost 29 years old. I'm single, unemployed, and chasing dreams that are slowly dwindling. Even though objectively I should be moving forward, I’m still stuck at square one.

I’m only a year younger than J.D. in that Scrubs episode, but we share very similar circumstances. Both of us are experiencing a time of transformation—with (seemingly) no accomplishments to show for our lives, and just trying to gain the strength to finish our triathlons. 

how i feel about my (nearing) thirties, explained in two frames

everybody's changing and i don't feel the same

“Everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same”

In my eyes, everyone else is moving forward as I struggle not to fall behind. But as stationary as I feel—as much as I tell myself I’m not moving forward—I’m also not the same person I was a year ago. I’m experiencing a transformative chapter, where every single imaginable element in my life is changing. And naturally, I also have to change to overcome these challenges, and to make room for better things to come.

I never told you how that Scrubs episode ended. With Elliot's help (and, in J.D.'s words, her ridiculously strong legs) J.D. did finish his triathlon. And with the help of my loved ones—my parents who always support me, the family who have always left their doors open, and my friends who always care for me—one day, I'll finish mine.

If you haven’t already, please give the song a listen. I promise you won’t regret it.